Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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