walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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