1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Damn victory sex feels great
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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