is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
