Porn is love you can see.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
