the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
