is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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