Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
