My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
