I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
