The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
