I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
