I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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