Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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