the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
