i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
