My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
