i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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