I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
