apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
