You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize