I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Please don't give away my fajitas
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
