Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
how does that bad decision feel?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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