Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize