remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
