So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
