this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
