My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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