I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
