That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
