You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
