A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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