i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
