dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
