I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize