Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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