I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
