You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
