I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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