After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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