She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
