So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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