I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
