even my farts smell like vagina
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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