sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
