i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
