So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
