Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
