I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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