Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
