First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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