My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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