Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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