Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
