Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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