I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
