the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
