Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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