New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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