I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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